Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Dazed and Confused

So a couple of months ago I reached my 100 pounds down goal. That was my first MAJOR goal. That was me reaching 253 pounds. I had gotten down to 249 since, but really not much more than that. I have been fluctuating from 249 to 256 for these last 2-3 months now. My eating habits are horrible. And I can't seem to stop!

I just feel hungry, all the time. I know it's mind over matter, here. I am not REALLY hungry. I just do it idley. And I'm feeling very depressed lately for a lot of reasons that I won't discuss because technically unrelated to weight loss, although a contributing factor. But I really just need help. I wish I was still in Florida where I can talk to my surgeon and nutritionist for help, or have the referral for a psychiatrist (or whatever title they are) that is used to helping people post WLS. It's just motivation.

It's also financial. I don't have the money to keep up with the protein shakes and since the healthier Atkin's brand bars I usually keep around handy for those times I ABSOLUTELY need chocolate are just as expensive, I dig into things like my boyfriends cereal or I make cookies or cake at $2 a box and icing. Because it is cheaper than $6 for the Atkin's bars and I just cannot afford them.

It makes me depressed that I am not making more money, because it's solely my fault. I am my own boss, my work is based on production and I have felt depressed and unmotivated to work, or then a holiday hits or someone takes a vacation and there is no work even though I was put on a new account. I just need something, to jolt my butt into gear.

I just really put things in a big downward spiral recently with some poor choices I've made. And I can't go in reverse. You can't take back things said or done, whether you want to or not.  You cannot control the effect your actions take on another human being. And sometimes, your actions hurt 2 instead of 1 and that's not including yourself. So I have all of this on my shoulders, plus the weight of my job and lack of doing it, and the stall in weight loss (thankfully not major GAIN there) has me at a pretty low point.

So how do I come up? How do I make better choices when I just don't feel it? And most of all, how do I afford to eat healthier when I am really broke and already on Food Stamps?

Saturday, March 2, 2013

The travelling pants

When I started this journey, I was in a size 30/32 jeans and 4x shirt (30/32 sometimes this was 5x). So I have gotten a few donations from friends or other postopers who had some size 26's but I didn't ever go thrift shopping for my own clothes or anything like that. I went with my mom today because she wanted to thrift a bit at some we never been to before and I tagged along. This one had a fairly large facility and they had a plus size area. I headed over thinking they'd never have anything cute even though I wear a 2x now and I don't even know what pants size I wear anymore, etc.

Needless to say I walked out of there with a pair of jeans, jean capris, and 2 really cute "me" type shirts! It's the lighter, brighter side of me but super cute anyway. I am so happy that I can find things, that FIT, and are ME at a thrift store!!!!!!!! The jeans were a size 22 both of them, and the tops are size 2x :) It's good because the other day, well more a few weeks ago, I purged all the clothes that are too big and I can no longer wear. All the shirts that kept showing my bra straps were donated and all the pants except my 2 pairs of jeans that the leg part still looked decent were thrown. But my jeans I wore to the thrift today, for perspective, my belt can be looped to the 2nd loop and there are waist line folds all tucked inside the belt to keep them from being weird outside the belt between the loops!

I'm not yet at my 100 lbs down mark but I DID reach my 95 lbs down mark so I guess I can post a few 'before' and 'after' at this time. At 100 I will do exact angles as the 'before' ones and in the same clothes (I kept those for this purpose!)

This is from todays findings, one of the cuuute shirts and the jeans:

This is from Valentine's Day! A shirt that I got from a friend and a skirt that was too big and falling off my hips (it didn't feel like it was that loose!):

A shirt that was ALWAYS too tight on me is now loose. It looks tight around my gut but it isn't, just contouring my weird rolls lol but I think it actually looks decent now!!!:

LOOK, there's bones there! It's only showing sometimes but OMG!!! I've never seen this on me ever!:

 And last but not least, high heels! Sure I could always wear them but they looked stupid when my cankles were bigger and my feet were so wide that they went over the sides. They aren't doing that now even though I still think without ankles high heels look weird:
Here are some of my "before":

I can see a difference. But I want to take some AFTER angles like these so you can see how much exactly where is different. I will at 100 lbs down :) I can't thank all the people in my life who have been supportive, and the man who helped me get this surgery to lose weight better, and God for putting me in the position to choose this path and be able to better my life and giving me the strength and wisdom to know when to say YES and when to say NO when I really need to the most one way or the other. I feel so blessed to have such positive people in my life now :)

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Struggles and... stuff

Well for the most part I've been eating okay for food but I just feel I'm eating too much. Yeah yeah I know, I had surgery and there's no way I'll be eating as much as pre-op... but I mean even still there's a too much. I should not be grazing all the time.

I made sort of a homemade banana pudding just because I wanted something sweet. I took some sugar free cheesecake pudding mix with a little bit of bread crumb and banana and a spritz of whipped cream (it has no sugar or carbs) and I eat like 3 or 4 spoonfuls and I'm full. It's very dense. The bread crumbs are the only bad part of it and I didn't use that much. I figure the carb in that small amount is the least of my worries at this moment.

I did get a SF hazelnut creamer for my coffee that I actually REALLY love. Since I got my Keurig I've had fun trying different coffees but when it comes down to it the special ones are too expensive for every day use so I started a bit of a "drink station" where I just sort of slowly accumulated various Sugar Free creamer variations. Actually the caramel macchiato one is pretty bitter tasting and weird. I don't like it. I do like the SF milk chocolate one (these are powder creamers by Nestle or whatever) but it's sort of a taste I need to be in the mood for (makes it taste like hot chocolate). I like plain flavor and the hazelnut best so far. If I'm not mistaken, those are the only flavors besides french vanilla (I DO NOT LIKE VANILLA FLAVOR UNLESS IT'S ICE CREAM WHICH I CANNOT EAT) that I've seen at our stores. Kind of a super bummer because I wish I had more flavors. Maybe one of  you thoughtful viewers can check your store and see if they have any other neat SF powder creamer flavor?

Anyway so I mean.. it's just a weird portion issue. I am slowly coming out of my carb cravings since I don't have anything to eat that's bad. I was 100% a no grain gal but actually I was introduced to quinoa and I really love it. I don't think these carbs are bad for me and it doesn't send me into a carb frenzy at all. It's a nice filler and replacement for things like rice, similar to how I now use spaghetti squash for pasta. It's nice to have something like that. It's crunchy no matter how long I cook it but I like the texture a lot. It's also nice to have more recipes to try.

Tonight I'm cooking quinoa and mixing it with a bit of lemon juice, olive oil, feta crumble, kalmata (spelling??) olives, red pepper, chick peas and diced tomato. This is some recipe a good friend gave me from Betty Crocker from http://www.bettycrocker.com/recipes/quinoa-and-vegetable-salad-gluten-free/54f3ea4d-29e4-4d12-9437-472f754852a7

So that's tonights dinner for me. Lunch was a premade Wal-Mart salad the santa fe something or other. Lettuce, cheese, chipotle dressing, a few shreds of some kind of tortilla chips and some diced onion and tomato. I know these are probably not the best choice if I choose to use the dressing that comes with it and the chips shreds or croutons on other versions but it's very minimal. It's not an excuse, it's just me trying to dwindle down back to where I pick these parts out of my food.

I just feel I could be doing better. I get cloudy in my brain when all these other foods are there. I open the freezer to pizza breads instead of the chicken breasts and ground beef rolls I have underneath. I don't have horrible temptation in that way of seeing it uncooked but what it does to me is confuses me on what I can put together to make something healthy. Why can't I just pop shit into the oven and not do any work??? I love the Atkins frozen meals but holy hell are they fucking expensive or what? Even the $1 coupon doesn't do it much justice the darn things are still about $3. I know that's not a lot for an entire meal and sometimes enough for 2 for me, but I'm comparing this to say Lean Cuisine that's like $1.50 or less for a meal. You know???

But anyway. Just sort of feeling it heavy lately. I did start moving back down on the scale. Was at about 267-268 and now I was 261 yesterday in the evening no less (you're usually lighter in the mornings after you pee since you've digested everything etc). So that's a good sign.

I am slowly approaching my 100 pounds down mark. When I hit 253 pounds it will be exactly 100 lbs down and yes, I do notice and feel it. I just still am fat. About 90% of all the other girls and ladies who I had VSG with around the same time and others just in general in some Facebook support groups that I see online on a regular basis, all started about my current weight now so they're all getting under 200's already into the 199 and less and I'm just like oh hi, I'm now where you started and we have nothing in common. Please shoot me directly in the face while I try not to "compare". It's hard though, not because I don't think I can do it but because I hate the fact that I was so much bigger before I even got control back of my life and I'm angry that I can't be like them RIGHT NOW and be enjoying smaller sizes again. I think I'm about to outgrow my last pair of size 24's. Or maybe they are 26.. I dunno but they fall off my hip. Even some shirts that I could never wear before that had been in my closet for what seems like forever are getting too big. I'm gonna be a true blue 2X/XXL soon and not just by chance of make or model of it. While everyone else is like now 12/14/16 and I can't even remember the friggin' day I was that size. I know, I know.. boo hoo woe is me get over it because it's not like I won't be there someday. I KNOW THAT! I just, you know.. wish I could be enjoying it RIGHT NOW at 8 months out like these girls are. 100 lbs down from 261 is 161. That would be my ideal weight had I done this surgery back when I was in the 260's. That's just where I get hung up on.

Blaaaaaaaaaah. I wish healthy eating was easier. I just never know what to make. I get sick of putting tomatoes, onion and a meat together in the oven or sauteeing them etc. It's just the same thing over and over. I don't have a lot of $$$ for real fancy stuff. I think the quinoa is the most fancy I've gotten. Yes I know google exists for recipes but it's just hard to filter through all the ones that require an odd or end ingredient that I don't have and probably have no reason to afford.

Well I don't want to keep whining like a baby so I think I'll end this now.

But I will end it on a lighter note. Since I've last posted I got into a new art and craft. It's a medium called resin that starts as a liquid that you mix with a hardener and over the course of some hours it hardens into a kind of plastic type material. You put stuff in it and can make jewelry etc depending on the type of mold you have since  you have to have one for it. I also do a bit of polymer clay sculpting. What's so special about this though moreso than just the fact that I started playing around in it is that it sort of took off with me, I feel a lot of stress relief but also lots of fun doing it and I'm going to rent a spot at a local event in Dahlonega, GA in April and try to sell some of my pieces. I'm so excited so I have a lot on my brain to organize it all and get things ready for that and make my own displays since I'm too broke to buy nice ones :)

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Now you're just somebody that I used to know..

Slowly as I go through this journey to losing weight I am becoming more aware of the fact that, hey, I am actually losing weight! I know that things fit differently and parts of my body (skin) are looser now and whatnot, but with as much as the scale says I have lost I am only down like 1 dress/pant size. It's not really what I thought would happen by being 83 pounds lighter.

.. And that number just amazes me. That is only 17 that is SEVENTEEN pounds from being a full 100. I don't know what I am going to do at being 100 pounds lighter but I really should plan something and just go for it. I'd love to make that a goal for 8 months postop but I'm not sure if 17 lbs in about a month and a half is realistic or safe. It's not impossible at all but I don't want to PUSH myself too hard and get off balance with nutrition that I seem to have a decent grasp on, for the most part.

I dunno. I just wanted to share this with everyone who is losing weight, however you are losing it. It's not easy and I want to just take a moment to say this is not the EASY way out. In the support groups I'm in so many people talk about their experiences with friends and/or family giving that spiel about how they feel like it's an easy way out and they should just diet and exercise. Ummm... yeah that is the idea. Weight loss surgery does not magically make it come off. Those of us who have had it know that we still need diet and exercise or else it will stall out and not really come off. Sure there may be some initial 'fall off' pounds but it stops after a certain point and nutrition becomes a huge huge role. You can't just eat junk forever even with a weight loss surgery. Sure you're not restricted by types of food (excluding those who do sometimes get certain intolerances after surgery, it is afterall ON the stomach) but you make the choices of what you put in your face so the surgery is a mere tool that helps us a lot better to lose weight with diet and exercise, it helps us for the rest of our lives and does not go away.

So if anyone that happens upon my blog ever has anyone say this to them, perhaps say to them or show them that above paragraph. I feel it really sums it up in a somewhat short way so hopefully my insight will.. help.. someone. Maybe.

So it's just a short post right now, but I wanted to leave you with this. If anyone had any idea of how much weight we are losing in terms of physically being able to see it, well.. it doesn't get around much. I was pretty amazed at these photos. I should probably hold off on posting this until I actually lose 100 lbs total postop, but I decided that that post will contain 'after' progress photos of me in comparison to 'before instead. :)

So this is 1 pound of fat:
And this is 5 pounds:

Another, better example of 5 pounds:

And last.. 100 pounds of fat:

So there you have it. That is a lot of volume! It's mind boggling, isnt it!?




Wednesday, January 9, 2013


I had to change the layout of the blog because for some reason I could not click Reply to comments and there were a couple of fixes on Google for it but they did not work. So I just changed it to a simple one Blogger offers.

So so so so sorry for not posting in a while. Obviously with the holidays I did not have much to report. I did not do the best but I did not eat horribly, either. I had some lasagna for Christmas eve with Jacob's family. I did eat the noodles but I did not have much portion and I had none of the bread. I had some holiday cookies as well, in moderation. Just a couple a day. I tried my best to make a delicious looking pumpkin cookie recipe using almond flour and Stevia and let me tell you it sucked. It was sooo nasty. I don't know if it was the Stevia I bought that is made to use in baking or if I used too much or what. I redid the same recipe using real sugar but almond flour to at least eliminate that carb from the regular flour. It was good but really moist and sticky.

On Christmas day there was ham so I had lots of ham and veggies. I tried hard not to eat all the candy laying around, lots of candy. When I ate any I ate the dark chocolate ones to at least have the lesser of them all though this does not justify eating any at all. At least I had some SF dark chocolates for Christmas day. Those were delicious.

Other than that I've been eating mostly okay. I have been having a pretty bad issue with snacking lately and wrote a post to a support group on FB in which I said:

"I just been really really down lately. I feel like I did OK during holidays, not the best but just average. But the last 2 weeks have been snack hell. I don't know what even triggered it. I feel like I should blame TOM for it, because it's here now, but just my brain is a mess. I started losing again. I stalled at 275 and now I'm 272 this morning, but I can't really justify the weight loss because although I'm not eating crappy foods I'm just eating like every hour some little snack. I'm not doing that today. I'm just not. But I just feel so down. I also got some complaints at work about my quality so now I have to buckle down on that too. Just not a good day. I hate being broke and can't go buy a wad of veggies like I really have a taste for. I'm sick of string cheese string cheese string cheese. I like it but it's like the $6 bag of save-me food that I can afford. I drink Atkins shakes only because it's the only one I can stand. I try all kinds, although I'm still going to try Big Train Fit Frappe because I hear they are great. I got a sample but I haven't tried it. But the point is it's a lot on my shoulders to try to afford these, just moved and everything is just a mess. I am drinking my protein and water and eating mostly healthy although it can use a little more care also but really I'm ok in the actual 'what' I'm eating, it's just the quantity. I dont want to risk stretching my tummy out and I'm just freaking out freaking out about it so much."

That pretty much sums up what I've been feeling lately and all that has been going on. I really don't have much else to report. I haven't been exercising. I can't really find motivation and things I enjoy doing. We moved into a new apartment that I have had to go up and down 3 flights of stairs since our apartment is on the 3rd floor but being such a sedentary person I don't go out that much so I don't get to use them much. Is that weird? I used the crap out of them when we moved stuff up here and will do so again when my mom joins us. That'll be fun! Not.

At least I'm losing, regardless at what rate. I'm just trying to work on my diet again and get that back under control. You really don't realize it until you're practically obsessed and beating yourself up how much a few days of doing "whatever" in your diet i.e. for holidays can really screw up your routine for weeks and weeks. I never thought about it until I had surgery and now these things put me out of whack. It was my first year though so at least now I know. I just am awaiting food stamp renewal so I can buy the crap out of more veggies and Atkins protein shakes. This time its all for me and I won't have to share them so at least that is a little more $$ for healthy eating.

You'd think so little as I can eat that I would not be so wrapped up in food. I am envious and almost hateful in my thoughts towards those people who post on the facebook support groups how they forget to eat and they don't think about food and this or that. If you didn't have an addiction in the first place why did you opt for a surgery? Is that horrible to think? I feel like I've struggled my WHOLE LIFE with this addiction and still have trouble with it now and want to kick it. How come some people are just magically cured of everything and lose all the weight in the world and never care about food again and are at the same amount of time post op than me or more???