That worthlessness, though

Again I make a post to spill my heart out when it feels like it is bleeding. I hate that I don't really have anywhere to say these things out loud, and also that I don't feel comfortable enough with anyone in my life at the moment to really speak about this kind of thing to.

I can't really say that that would ever be the case aside from some sort of doctor. Who do you know that you can tell your deepest, darkest thoughts to that won't judge you and won't turn it around onto themselves? If I feel bad about a situation in my life, that may not pertain to you in particular, but does not change my happiness with you in particular, but is bringing me down outside of that, are you able to understand that there is that difference?

Regardless, I can't. I can't tell these thoughts to anyone and I usually cope and deal on my own. But sometimes things get so bad inside that I just start to leak. Usually I can ignore this too unless the situation is continuing to go downhill or unresolved. This is the point when my mind goes red. I see red, and I think red. By "red", I mean blood and cutting and self harm.

I can't believe I'll be 30 in 4 months and this is still a common thought process for me. While I may not act upon it hardly at all anymore, maybe once a year or twice depending how crappy that year is, I still think about it. A lot. When I'm stressed, when things get rough, when I feel useless or worthless, I think about harming myself to make myself feel better. To remind myself that yes, I am alive. I do have to deal with this and I cannot slip into a fantasy world forever.

So that's where I'm at right now. I'm leaking, and it's getting harder, and I'm also in a new relationship that is a very, very big plus and I am very happy with. I feel like I am ready for it, but there is just 1 thing in my life and I may not have been as ready as I thought for to either persist, or to be no longer a thing. And I am not ready in some ways by a long shot, but in others I am. I am ready for a new relationship and to be happy, and I am ready to move on from the last relationship. But I was/am not ready to give up the PERSON of the last relationship. He is familiar, he is safe. I can ask him for help if things are bad. I can't do that yet with the new person, it's too early and I don't know them THAT well.

But now I don't have a choice. It's over my head, I have no say. It's going to be taken away and I'm too scared to move. I see red, red everywhere. Dripping from the walls of my mind and pooling to the depths. It's leaking more and more and how do I explain why I'm feeling the way I am to someone new? It's adding even more stress and all I can think of is release. I need it, want it, feel it in my veins to need to happen but I can't. How would that be and look on a new relationship? I can't reveal ALL of my crazy in the first month. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say to anyone or how to deal. I want things to remain comfortable and safe for everyone. I didn't realize my existence was a burden on the last.

And then came the feelings of worthlessness. I feel like a waste of space, someone who does nothing but destroy the lives of other people. A disgusting disease creeping in to leave stranded with nothing but false hope, sadness, pain... It's incredibly contradictory to the fact that half of me is happy as can be, but the other half is melting into an abyss of darkness. I don't know how to deal with this at all. I'm confused, and I'm lost. This random thing I found on Google images explains a lot of how my mind works. Credit goes to whomever JKR is. Sorry I didn't save the link.

And it's been a while..

I broke up with my boyfriend because it had been on my mind more and more lately that I want to start a family someday. Not now but sometime in the next 6 years. I had already been with him for 6 years and I couldn't shake the feeling that I just needed to have the option for myself to have a family someday if I want to, but he was 100% no go on ever having kids.

I had been expressing my concerns and thoughts on the relationship and the family aspect of it to various friends, trying to sort through the feelings and everything and think through any type of solutions as it had felt like it was weighing on me. I had tons of advice and things to mull over for a number of weeks before laying down next to him one early morning and thinking to myself that I just need to say it out loud; I think it's over.

Now that it has been about 5 weeks (I think it ended Aug 18, 2014?) I'm slowly starting to feel about it. I think for the first 3 weeks or so I was really numb and sort of disbelieving of what had actually happened and the fact that it happened because of me, again. It was not uncommon for us to not go to sleep at the same time so me going to bed alone was not entirely something new. It was the waking up alone part that had finally started getting to me.

Once he had come over to gather more things to move out of here the 2nd time and there had been empty spots in places around the apartment and especially the bedroom, it was finally sunk in that hello, he's gone and there's absolutely no going back, nothing you can do about this now. It's done and it's done, because of you (me).

So since that time I've had this creeping in feeling of suicide. I know, I know, you don't have to tell me about how selfish it is and how incredibly stupid I am and how stupid it is to think of. I am well aware having been dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder pretty much ever since I can remember of all the things associated with suicide. I know them well because it's not an uncommon thought to be creeping into my brain at various points of high stress. I've never even attempted it before, though, so I never really worried on it too much.

I'm still not really worried but I am aware of the fact that I feel a calm sense of it there, which is new. Usually in the past I'd be cutting myself and mutilating in whatever way, doing really reckless things that aren't really responsible or smart and getting myself into dangerous situations. It just was how I handled things, I became numb and did things that were so drastic because it was the only things that really made me feel at all, it just took that much to feel anything.

So now I just consider how much pain I have caused people in my life, especially my mom but in this current situation with my ex. I had hurt him in the past and we had decided to give our relationship another go after about a year and a half of being apart. What's more about that though, is the fact that I left someone so that I could get back together with him. I don't really regret that, as I feel that person was not necessarily the one for me. But I feel bad that I have left this huge line of destruction in the path of my life, no matter what choices I decide to make for myself. And now I question whether it was worth it to give up someone I truly loved for the sake of maybe wanting a family someday??  I don't know how to be any other way. I cheat, I lie, and I destroy people from the inside out. What else is it going to take now that I am 29 years old and still feel like I know nothing else? I don't think I can handle the thought now that I'm aware of it, the thought that I have destroyed people when I always went around thinking I was the one who was broken by other people so much. I don't know if I can handle the amount of blame I've now put on myself for every situation, the amount of heartache I've been feeling. Somehow there's so much that I can become numb and go about daily life, but I feel nothing at the same time. It's just in such a dark, deep abyss that I don't know what else to do. I don't want to feel. I don't know if I really have the will to want to go on this way, destroying people who don't deserve it and the fact that I can't take back what I've already broken in the distant and recent past. I don't know how to forgive, or be forgiven. I don't know how to do things on my own like a normal responsible adult does, and I also have 0 means of being able to get help with any of these issues. I really just don't have any will to go on at all to be honest. I don't have a reason why anything would be worth the risk of moving on to when I know that eventually I'm just going to tear it apart, and that there's nothing I can do about it.

I love, but I hate more than I love and that's always going to be what stops me from fully giving anything 100%.

My real name..

Yep, another one of those nights. I sat here trying to find where to purchase Lindt Lindor truffles in various flavors other than the standard milk, dark and white chocolate online but I can't find anything other than those that isn't a million dollars and getting frustrated and upset. And then I realize HELLO, meant to be this way. I'm only sabotaging myself by finding something like that. So I stopped.

Today hasn't been that great emotionally. I mean I don't know if there are too many days in a row these days that really is. I have had more daydreams. I don't have one in particular this time to share but mostly just a mindframe. Perhaps a lame attempt at explaining, who knows.

I just get numb. I sort of feel like there's too much going in too fast with not enough "filter" time for anything to come out. I guess I'm emotionally constipated? If that's a thing.. I just can't keep everything straight. I'm a nerd who plays video games online with other people, so with that you have loads of people in one space there's bound to be problems that arise over time. It's virtual, unreal, fake, but at the same time there are people on the other end of that. So you feel it is important and when problems come up that you don't know how to fix, just as in real life, you feel insignificant.

Otherwise it's just myself getting myself into trouble. I crave emotional connection almost ALL of the time, so when there is a prolonged period of time where I feel emotionally disconnected from someone I don't particularly seek something out but it seems to have its way of falling into my lap. I dunno, subconscious looking perhaps? But regardless, it gets me into trouble because I don't want to give up or lose anything I have currently, I just want something to be there all of the time. And it makes me sad that something else has to be temporary until the original is back in order and who knows when that will be or when it will happen? Why can't I just have it all? Is it so wrong to be selfish sometimes?

But in the end, it's not all up to me. It's up to all parties involved and it would never be okay. And I am not sure I'd want it to be okay, because somehow that feels like it would suddenly become meaningless. I dunno. I just want the face cupping and for someone to look at me like I'm the most beautiful person in the world, with amazement in their eyes. I had that once, I threw it away to what I now know is completely empty promises. I've not quite yet seen anything to indicate that the things I was promised for rekindling something would ever be. So confuse. So lost. I wish I was better at directions, or that I had someone to specifically give me directions.

I also don't understand how someone can tell me they enjoy my company and can't get enough of me, but only online? Like, what, my real life presence isn't as good as my internet one? It really makes one feel like a bucket for people to dump their feelings in to and to still be able to walk away whenever. Blah!

Forced to face the truth

Sometimes there are times where my brain, no matter how many things I try to think about to try to change the trains track, just keeps going deeper and deeper. I'm sure other people have this sort of thing happen, but it's always about emotions and how I'm feeling about things, a situation, a person, whatever. Recollecting, realizing, missing, wishing, hoping, it doesn't matter. But it just always seems that when I'm on this level, no one else is there. I am truly alone and it's all in my head. Sometimes I just wish someone understood that and could meet me there no matter what they are feeling, to put their stuff aside so that they can help me in my head, no matter what time of day or anything like that.

It's just one of those things where, it's not a matter per se of being unhappy of a current relationship or a person, but just that I don't think that exists in anyone I've ever known, or heard about. I don't know if people like this exist other than myself. I'm not particular for reading books or anything so it is possible that these sort of things exist on written pages somewhere, similar to the stuff you see in movies that never happens in real life between 2 people emotionally and situationally. People even the most caring are still more worried about their own things than anyone elses, even someone that they are with and are in love with. That's just human nature for most people. I mean even I am doing that even now, but still I feel it's on a separate level from the entire universe.

Kissing eyelids, holding hands, thumbs caressing the veins within. Holding hips, pulling in close. Breathing in aroma from the tendrils curling down her face, arms holding across her chest protectively. There's nothing better than the feeling of comfort and consideration, when the brain of another has you on their mind. These things aren't optional.

Still all boils down to worthlessness. People who are worth these things have had the pleasure even if briefly. People like me have never had the pleasure, never had anyone call them beautiful in the way that the eyes are piercing the belief of such into your very soul...

So when all is said and done, and these things have been lack for so long, you cave into yourself. Everything is inside in a bottle, neatly placed on a shelf. All you can do is keep it locked and keep everything at a distance inside.

Perhaps it is probably better that no one else is on the same level in my brain.

Daydreams naught

Okay. I've had things like this come through my head ever since I can remember. I daydream constantly about situations or things I wish would happen or wishes on how I would like people to treat me, etc. I thought maybe if I write them down I might have a little better time dealing with the thoughts.

One on my mind pretty deep tonight has been from when I had issues with self mutilation in my teens, I would get so deep and fuzzy headed into my thoughts, usually very sad and negative, and I would be on the floor just incapable of doing anything for a short while. But if only someone just had that insight and knew that I needed to come back up, and cup my face and force me to look them in the eye and listen, and tell me specifically they know, and I need to come up.. and that I am ok, and situations are ok, and then scoop me in their arms and cradle me while I come back...

Sounds dramatic, and silly. But it's what I daydream about so often when I'm in tears, just wishing someone on this planet understood remotely what this is in my head or at least attempts to soothe things within me.. as I'm always trying desperately to do for others...