My real name..

Yep, another one of those nights. I sat here trying to find where to purchase Lindt Lindor truffles in various flavors other than the standard milk, dark and white chocolate online but I can't find anything other than those that isn't a million dollars and getting frustrated and upset. And then I realize HELLO, meant to be this way. I'm only sabotaging myself by finding something like that. So I stopped.

Today hasn't been that great emotionally. I mean I don't know if there are too many days in a row these days that really is. I have had more daydreams. I don't have one in particular this time to share but mostly just a mindframe. Perhaps a lame attempt at explaining, who knows.

I just get numb. I sort of feel like there's too much going in too fast with not enough "filter" time for anything to come out. I guess I'm emotionally constipated? If that's a thing.. I just can't keep everything straight. I'm a nerd who plays video games online with other people, so with that you have loads of people in one space there's bound to be problems that arise over time. It's virtual, unreal, fake, but at the same time there are people on the other end of that. So you feel it is important and when problems come up that you don't know how to fix, just as in real life, you feel insignificant.

Otherwise it's just myself getting myself into trouble. I crave emotional connection almost ALL of the time, so when there is a prolonged period of time where I feel emotionally disconnected from someone I don't particularly seek something out but it seems to have its way of falling into my lap. I dunno, subconscious looking perhaps? But regardless, it gets me into trouble because I don't want to give up or lose anything I have currently, I just want something to be there all of the time. And it makes me sad that something else has to be temporary until the original is back in order and who knows when that will be or when it will happen? Why can't I just have it all? Is it so wrong to be selfish sometimes?

But in the end, it's not all up to me. It's up to all parties involved and it would never be okay. And I am not sure I'd want it to be okay, because somehow that feels like it would suddenly become meaningless. I dunno. I just want the face cupping and for someone to look at me like I'm the most beautiful person in the world, with amazement in their eyes. I had that once, I threw it away to what I now know is completely empty promises. I've not quite yet seen anything to indicate that the things I was promised for rekindling something would ever be. So confuse. So lost. I wish I was better at directions, or that I had someone to specifically give me directions.

I also don't understand how someone can tell me they enjoy my company and can't get enough of me, but only online? Like, what, my real life presence isn't as good as my internet one? It really makes one feel like a bucket for people to dump their feelings in to and to still be able to walk away whenever. Blah!

Forced to face the truth

Sometimes there are times where my brain, no matter how many things I try to think about to try to change the trains track, just keeps going deeper and deeper. I'm sure other people have this sort of thing happen, but it's always about emotions and how I'm feeling about things, a situation, a person, whatever. Recollecting, realizing, missing, wishing, hoping, it doesn't matter. But it just always seems that when I'm on this level, no one else is there. I am truly alone and it's all in my head. Sometimes I just wish someone understood that and could meet me there no matter what they are feeling, to put their stuff aside so that they can help me in my head, no matter what time of day or anything like that.

It's just one of those things where, it's not a matter per se of being unhappy of a current relationship or a person, but just that I don't think that exists in anyone I've ever known, or heard about. I don't know if people like this exist other than myself. I'm not particular for reading books or anything so it is possible that these sort of things exist on written pages somewhere, similar to the stuff you see in movies that never happens in real life between 2 people emotionally and situationally. People even the most caring are still more worried about their own things than anyone elses, even someone that they are with and are in love with. That's just human nature for most people. I mean even I am doing that even now, but still I feel it's on a separate level from the entire universe.

Kissing eyelids, holding hands, thumbs caressing the veins within. Holding hips, pulling in close. Breathing in aroma from the tendrils curling down her face, arms holding across her chest protectively. There's nothing better than the feeling of comfort and consideration, when the brain of another has you on their mind. These things aren't optional.

Still all boils down to worthlessness. People who are worth these things have had the pleasure even if briefly. People like me have never had the pleasure, never had anyone call them beautiful in the way that the eyes are piercing the belief of such into your very soul...

So when all is said and done, and these things have been lack for so long, you cave into yourself. Everything is inside in a bottle, neatly placed on a shelf. All you can do is keep it locked and keep everything at a distance inside.

Perhaps it is probably better that no one else is on the same level in my brain.

Daydreams naught

Okay. I've had things like this come through my head ever since I can remember. I daydream constantly about situations or things I wish would happen or wishes on how I would like people to treat me, etc. I thought maybe if I write them down I might have a little better time dealing with the thoughts.

One on my mind pretty deep tonight has been from when I had issues with self mutilation in my teens, I would get so deep and fuzzy headed into my thoughts, usually very sad and negative, and I would be on the floor just incapable of doing anything for a short while. But if only someone just had that insight and knew that I needed to come back up, and cup my face and force me to look them in the eye and listen, and tell me specifically they know, and I need to come up.. and that I am ok, and situations are ok, and then scoop me in their arms and cradle me while I come back...

Sounds dramatic, and silly. But it's what I daydream about so often when I'm in tears, just wishing someone on this planet understood remotely what this is in my head or at least attempts to soothe things within me.. as I'm always trying desperately to do for others...