Struggles and... stuff

Well for the most part I've been eating okay for food but I just feel I'm eating too much. Yeah yeah I know, I had surgery and there's no way I'll be eating as much as pre-op... but I mean even still there's a too much. I should not be grazing all the time.

I made sort of a homemade banana pudding just because I wanted something sweet. I took some sugar free cheesecake pudding mix with a little bit of bread crumb and banana and a spritz of whipped cream (it has no sugar or carbs) and I eat like 3 or 4 spoonfuls and I'm full. It's very dense. The bread crumbs are the only bad part of it and I didn't use that much. I figure the carb in that small amount is the least of my worries at this moment.

I did get a SF hazelnut creamer for my coffee that I actually REALLY love. Since I got my Keurig I've had fun trying different coffees but when it comes down to it the special ones are too expensive for every day use so I started a bit of a "drink station" where I just sort of slowly accumulated various Sugar Free creamer variations. Actually the caramel macchiato one is pretty bitter tasting and weird. I don't like it. I do like the SF milk chocolate one (these are powder creamers by Nestle or whatever) but it's sort of a taste I need to be in the mood for (makes it taste like hot chocolate). I like plain flavor and the hazelnut best so far. If I'm not mistaken, those are the only flavors besides french vanilla (I DO NOT LIKE VANILLA FLAVOR UNLESS IT'S ICE CREAM WHICH I CANNOT EAT) that I've seen at our stores. Kind of a super bummer because I wish I had more flavors. Maybe one of  you thoughtful viewers can check your store and see if they have any other neat SF powder creamer flavor?

Anyway so I mean.. it's just a weird portion issue. I am slowly coming out of my carb cravings since I don't have anything to eat that's bad. I was 100% a no grain gal but actually I was introduced to quinoa and I really love it. I don't think these carbs are bad for me and it doesn't send me into a carb frenzy at all. It's a nice filler and replacement for things like rice, similar to how I now use spaghetti squash for pasta. It's nice to have something like that. It's crunchy no matter how long I cook it but I like the texture a lot. It's also nice to have more recipes to try.

Tonight I'm cooking quinoa and mixing it with a bit of lemon juice, olive oil, feta crumble, kalmata (spelling??) olives, red pepper, chick peas and diced tomato. This is some recipe a good friend gave me from Betty Crocker from http://www.bettycrocker.com/recipes/quinoa-and-vegetable-salad-gluten-free/54f3ea4d-29e4-4d12-9437-472f754852a7

So that's tonights dinner for me. Lunch was a premade Wal-Mart salad the santa fe something or other. Lettuce, cheese, chipotle dressing, a few shreds of some kind of tortilla chips and some diced onion and tomato. I know these are probably not the best choice if I choose to use the dressing that comes with it and the chips shreds or croutons on other versions but it's very minimal. It's not an excuse, it's just me trying to dwindle down back to where I pick these parts out of my food.

I just feel I could be doing better. I get cloudy in my brain when all these other foods are there. I open the freezer to pizza breads instead of the chicken breasts and ground beef rolls I have underneath. I don't have horrible temptation in that way of seeing it uncooked but what it does to me is confuses me on what I can put together to make something healthy. Why can't I just pop shit into the oven and not do any work??? I love the Atkins frozen meals but holy hell are they fucking expensive or what? Even the $1 coupon doesn't do it much justice the darn things are still about $3. I know that's not a lot for an entire meal and sometimes enough for 2 for me, but I'm comparing this to say Lean Cuisine that's like $1.50 or less for a meal. You know???

But anyway. Just sort of feeling it heavy lately. I did start moving back down on the scale. Was at about 267-268 and now I was 261 yesterday in the evening no less (you're usually lighter in the mornings after you pee since you've digested everything etc). So that's a good sign.

I am slowly approaching my 100 pounds down mark. When I hit 253 pounds it will be exactly 100 lbs down and yes, I do notice and feel it. I just still am fat. About 90% of all the other girls and ladies who I had VSG with around the same time and others just in general in some Facebook support groups that I see online on a regular basis, all started about my current weight now so they're all getting under 200's already into the 199 and less and I'm just like oh hi, I'm now where you started and we have nothing in common. Please shoot me directly in the face while I try not to "compare". It's hard though, not because I don't think I can do it but because I hate the fact that I was so much bigger before I even got control back of my life and I'm angry that I can't be like them RIGHT NOW and be enjoying smaller sizes again. I think I'm about to outgrow my last pair of size 24's. Or maybe they are 26.. I dunno but they fall off my hip. Even some shirts that I could never wear before that had been in my closet for what seems like forever are getting too big. I'm gonna be a true blue 2X/XXL soon and not just by chance of make or model of it. While everyone else is like now 12/14/16 and I can't even remember the friggin' day I was that size. I know, I know.. boo hoo woe is me get over it because it's not like I won't be there someday. I KNOW THAT! I just, you know.. wish I could be enjoying it RIGHT NOW at 8 months out like these girls are. 100 lbs down from 261 is 161. That would be my ideal weight had I done this surgery back when I was in the 260's. That's just where I get hung up on.

Blaaaaaaaaaah. I wish healthy eating was easier. I just never know what to make. I get sick of putting tomatoes, onion and a meat together in the oven or sauteeing them etc. It's just the same thing over and over. I don't have a lot of $$$ for real fancy stuff. I think the quinoa is the most fancy I've gotten. Yes I know google exists for recipes but it's just hard to filter through all the ones that require an odd or end ingredient that I don't have and probably have no reason to afford.

Well I don't want to keep whining like a baby so I think I'll end this now.

But I will end it on a lighter note. Since I've last posted I got into a new art and craft. It's a medium called resin that starts as a liquid that you mix with a hardener and over the course of some hours it hardens into a kind of plastic type material. You put stuff in it and can make jewelry etc depending on the type of mold you have since  you have to have one for it. I also do a bit of polymer clay sculpting. What's so special about this though moreso than just the fact that I started playing around in it is that it sort of took off with me, I feel a lot of stress relief but also lots of fun doing it and I'm going to rent a spot at a local event in Dahlonega, GA in April and try to sell some of my pieces. I'm so excited so I have a lot on my brain to organize it all and get things ready for that and make my own displays since I'm too broke to buy nice ones :)