Monday, January 27, 2014

My real name..

Yep, another one of those nights. I sat here trying to find where to purchase Lindt Lindor truffles in various flavors other than the standard milk, dark and white chocolate online but I can't find anything other than those that isn't a million dollars and getting frustrated and upset. And then I realize HELLO, meant to be this way. I'm only sabotaging myself by finding something like that. So I stopped.

Today hasn't been that great emotionally. I mean I don't know if there are too many days in a row these days that really is. I have had more daydreams. I don't have one in particular this time to share but mostly just a mindframe. Perhaps a lame attempt at explaining, who knows.

I just get numb. I sort of feel like there's too much going in too fast with not enough "filter" time for anything to come out. I guess I'm emotionally constipated? If that's a thing.. I just can't keep everything straight. I'm a nerd who plays video games online with other people, so with that you have loads of people in one space there's bound to be problems that arise over time. It's virtual, unreal, fake, but at the same time there are people on the other end of that. So you feel it is important and when problems come up that you don't know how to fix, just as in real life, you feel insignificant.

Otherwise it's just myself getting myself into trouble. I crave emotional connection almost ALL of the time, so when there is a prolonged period of time where I feel emotionally disconnected from someone I don't particularly seek something out but it seems to have its way of falling into my lap. I dunno, subconscious looking perhaps? But regardless, it gets me into trouble because I don't want to give up or lose anything I have currently, I just want something to be there all of the time. And it makes me sad that something else has to be temporary until the original is back in order and who knows when that will be or when it will happen? Why can't I just have it all? Is it so wrong to be selfish sometimes?

But in the end, it's not all up to me. It's up to all parties involved and it would never be okay. And I am not sure I'd want it to be okay, because somehow that feels like it would suddenly become meaningless. I dunno. I just want the face cupping and for someone to look at me like I'm the most beautiful person in the world, with amazement in their eyes. I had that once, I threw it away to what I now know is completely empty promises. I've not quite yet seen anything to indicate that the things I was promised for rekindling something would ever be. So confuse. So lost. I wish I was better at directions, or that I had someone to specifically give me directions.

I also don't understand how someone can tell me they enjoy my company and can't get enough of me, but only online? Like, what, my real life presence isn't as good as my internet one? It really makes one feel like a bucket for people to dump their feelings in to and to still be able to walk away whenever. Blah!

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