Sunday, December 14, 2014

That worthlessness, though

Again I make a post to spill my heart out when it feels like it is bleeding. I hate that I don't really have anywhere to say these things out loud, and also that I don't feel comfortable enough with anyone in my life at the moment to really speak about this kind of thing to.

I can't really say that that would ever be the case aside from some sort of doctor. Who do you know that you can tell your deepest, darkest thoughts to that won't judge you and won't turn it around onto themselves? If I feel bad about a situation in my life, that may not pertain to you in particular, but does not change my happiness with you in particular, but is bringing me down outside of that, are you able to understand that there is that difference?

Regardless, I can't. I can't tell these thoughts to anyone and I usually cope and deal on my own. But sometimes things get so bad inside that I just start to leak. Usually I can ignore this too unless the situation is continuing to go downhill or unresolved. This is the point when my mind goes red. I see red, and I think red. By "red", I mean blood and cutting and self harm.

I can't believe I'll be 30 in 4 months and this is still a common thought process for me. While I may not act upon it hardly at all anymore, maybe once a year or twice depending how crappy that year is, I still think about it. A lot. When I'm stressed, when things get rough, when I feel useless or worthless, I think about harming myself to make myself feel better. To remind myself that yes, I am alive. I do have to deal with this and I cannot slip into a fantasy world forever.

So that's where I'm at right now. I'm leaking, and it's getting harder, and I'm also in a new relationship that is a very, very big plus and I am very happy with. I feel like I am ready for it, but there is just 1 thing in my life and I may not have been as ready as I thought for to either persist, or to be no longer a thing. And I am not ready in some ways by a long shot, but in others I am. I am ready for a new relationship and to be happy, and I am ready to move on from the last relationship. But I was/am not ready to give up the PERSON of the last relationship. He is familiar, he is safe. I can ask him for help if things are bad. I can't do that yet with the new person, it's too early and I don't know them THAT well.

But now I don't have a choice. It's over my head, I have no say. It's going to be taken away and I'm too scared to move. I see red, red everywhere. Dripping from the walls of my mind and pooling to the depths. It's leaking more and more and how do I explain why I'm feeling the way I am to someone new? It's adding even more stress and all I can think of is release. I need it, want it, feel it in my veins to need to happen but I can't. How would that be and look on a new relationship? I can't reveal ALL of my crazy in the first month. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say to anyone or how to deal. I want things to remain comfortable and safe for everyone. I didn't realize my existence was a burden on the last.

And then came the feelings of worthlessness. I feel like a waste of space, someone who does nothing but destroy the lives of other people. A disgusting disease creeping in to leave stranded with nothing but false hope, sadness, pain... It's incredibly contradictory to the fact that half of me is happy as can be, but the other half is melting into an abyss of darkness. I don't know how to deal with this at all. I'm confused, and I'm lost. This random thing I found on Google images explains a lot of how my mind works. Credit goes to whomever JKR is. Sorry I didn't save the link.

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