Sunday, September 14, 2014

And it's been a while..

I broke up with my boyfriend because it had been on my mind more and more lately that I want to start a family someday. Not now but sometime in the next 6 years. I had already been with him for 6 years and I couldn't shake the feeling that I just needed to have the option for myself to have a family someday if I want to, but he was 100% no go on ever having kids.

I had been expressing my concerns and thoughts on the relationship and the family aspect of it to various friends, trying to sort through the feelings and everything and think through any type of solutions as it had felt like it was weighing on me. I had tons of advice and things to mull over for a number of weeks before laying down next to him one early morning and thinking to myself that I just need to say it out loud; I think it's over.

Now that it has been about 5 weeks (I think it ended Aug 18, 2014?) I'm slowly starting to feel about it. I think for the first 3 weeks or so I was really numb and sort of disbelieving of what had actually happened and the fact that it happened because of me, again. It was not uncommon for us to not go to sleep at the same time so me going to bed alone was not entirely something new. It was the waking up alone part that had finally started getting to me.

Once he had come over to gather more things to move out of here the 2nd time and there had been empty spots in places around the apartment and especially the bedroom, it was finally sunk in that hello, he's gone and there's absolutely no going back, nothing you can do about this now. It's done and it's done, because of you (me).

So since that time I've had this creeping in feeling of suicide. I know, I know, you don't have to tell me about how selfish it is and how incredibly stupid I am and how stupid it is to think of. I am well aware having been dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder pretty much ever since I can remember of all the things associated with suicide. I know them well because it's not an uncommon thought to be creeping into my brain at various points of high stress. I've never even attempted it before, though, so I never really worried on it too much.

I'm still not really worried but I am aware of the fact that I feel a calm sense of it there, which is new. Usually in the past I'd be cutting myself and mutilating in whatever way, doing really reckless things that aren't really responsible or smart and getting myself into dangerous situations. It just was how I handled things, I became numb and did things that were so drastic because it was the only things that really made me feel at all, it just took that much to feel anything.

So now I just consider how much pain I have caused people in my life, especially my mom but in this current situation with my ex. I had hurt him in the past and we had decided to give our relationship another go after about a year and a half of being apart. What's more about that though, is the fact that I left someone so that I could get back together with him. I don't really regret that, as I feel that person was not necessarily the one for me. But I feel bad that I have left this huge line of destruction in the path of my life, no matter what choices I decide to make for myself. And now I question whether it was worth it to give up someone I truly loved for the sake of maybe wanting a family someday??  I don't know how to be any other way. I cheat, I lie, and I destroy people from the inside out. What else is it going to take now that I am 29 years old and still feel like I know nothing else? I don't think I can handle the thought now that I'm aware of it, the thought that I have destroyed people when I always went around thinking I was the one who was broken by other people so much. I don't know if I can handle the amount of blame I've now put on myself for every situation, the amount of heartache I've been feeling. Somehow there's so much that I can become numb and go about daily life, but I feel nothing at the same time. It's just in such a dark, deep abyss that I don't know what else to do. I don't want to feel. I don't know if I really have the will to want to go on this way, destroying people who don't deserve it and the fact that I can't take back what I've already broken in the distant and recent past. I don't know how to forgive, or be forgiven. I don't know how to do things on my own like a normal responsible adult does, and I also have 0 means of being able to get help with any of these issues. I really just don't have any will to go on at all to be honest. I don't have a reason why anything would be worth the risk of moving on to when I know that eventually I'm just going to tear it apart, and that there's nothing I can do about it.

I love, but I hate more than I love and that's always going to be what stops me from fully giving anything 100%.

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