Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Things I Never Had

I was going to make today's post another food log but I decided I don't need to really track my food that much because I do use MyFitnessPal for that (I just like to share it with you all sometimes) so I wanted to sort of make a list of things I am excited about being able to enjoy about myself, my body, life, etc that I never had a chance to before because of my weight.

So... here goes. THE LIST:

1. Ankles. I guess I could use the ugly word here in saying that I've always had "cankles" as far as I can remember. It's not as bad as some but I'd love to see define ankles on me!

2. High heels. I put this one under the first because they are sort of hand in hand. Technically I can wear high heels, but I don't really feel it is sexy or practical because they just look ridiculous on me. I have worn them, or wedge or chunky heels, with jeans but not often. It's also a bit unstable feeling with true high heels that are not wedge or chunky because of the weight so that is why I await the day when I'm small enough that it's not as unstable feeling.

3. Wrists. It's the same effect as the cankles only it's on my wrists. I'd love a define wrist area where bracelets don't get "lost". I can see a difference already but there's still this puffy area that puffs out just below my hand and I want that to go away so I can wear bracelets. I love jewelry!

4. Clavicles. I desperately want to see my clavicles! I have never seen them in a defined way on myself ever. I await the day that you can see them. I can already feel them more than I ever could but you still can't see them.

5. Being able to sit in lawn chairs or other such shaped chairs that have arm rests and are not made particularly wide, but just a normal size. I can sit in these and to this day I have never actually broken a chair (has to be mere chance) but I want to be able to sit in them without my thighs being choked to death by the arm rests and getting up to bruises or soreness from arm rests squeezing my thighs in.

6. Once you get up passed size 22, it really is hard to find things that are not made for a completely different age range. I'm only 27, so things that are fashionable and cute to me are not necessarily the same as someone 37 or 47, etc. There are a lot more stores now than there used to be, and even Wal-Mart has gotten on board with having more variety in plus size (does anyone remember when you could not see much passed 18?) but even still when you get passed 22-24 size range the choices become more limited. So having been a size 30/32 I could find things yes but it was few and far between that I could find something that I felt I could wear anywhere at any time. I always see things I want that don't go passed a size 22 or 24 and I will celebrate with a nice small shopping spree when I hit the 22/24 size range. Even in thrift stores those sizes are a lot more common than anything bigger (2x versus 3-4x).

7. There's been a number of things I have done but stressed and feared over my weight being an issue. 5 or 6 years ago I had the opportunity to go on a small boat trip with my friend and her family one 4th of July holiday and I did go but I feared how I'd get on that boat. I didn't end up making a fool of myself or anything since I've always been fairly lucky in being limber but I did have a small anxiety attack within myself before getting on it. But I haven't ridden an air plane for years because I fear they would want to charge me a 2nd seat. I don't go on rides at carnivals or anything because I fear they have a weight limit. Etc.

8. I want to be able to run. I probably could run a little right now, actually I know I can because I have tried, but it hurts when my flabs are jiggling so much and pulling downward. I have a very hanging type belly and a small/medium pannus. For those who may not know what that is, it is basically when you see large people have sort of a 2nd hanging belly on the lower abdomen area (not the crotch although it can hang over it if it is large enough). So I don't know if spanks or anything like that would help with jiggling things but I have not tried. I figured I could just walk/power walk until some more weight comes off before trying those things.

9. I await the day when I can walk in public or into a store without people staring at me or giving me weird looks. Now let me explain that I am fairly limber as I already said above, and I dress nice and fashionable as much as possible. But I'm still big. So you can just see sometimes people look with those judgmental stares and I just hate that. I went into Ulta the other day to look for some nail polish and nail art related items and not a single person asked if I wanted help, although they did greet me at the door. But I noticed a few other ladies kept getting bugged by the employees and such so I just want to be able to be noticed again. You'd think that since you are huge you'd get noticed a lot but it's always just a negative energy type of being noticed and not just that you are a normal human being type where you might actually be interested in something at a shop or just whatever.

10. I'm sort of a hard rock, metal music type of girl. I love clothing that is sort of on the scene side as well as rockabilly. I love love love the pinup girl type of clothing. I love cute wedge shoes with a polka dot halter dress and short hair look. But these things I don't feel good wearing not to mention I don't find much in my size. I want to wear a huge off-the-shoulder shirt with some band I love on it and leggings with some cute flats with pyramid studs or spikes, etc. I want to be able to dress the way I always wished I could but could never find things in relation in my size. This may be related to an earlier number but not entirely so I made it separate.

11. I want to be able to wear cute bras and panties. I do wear those now but the choices are very limited, especially since I don't wear wired bras because they poke my overly large arms all day and leave tiny bruises. They have cute non wired bras everywhere in stores, but never do they go anywhere near my size. The cup size is not the problem so much as the number size. Same goes for panties. I can find loads of cute panties that are not granny panties, but when you are big they do not stay on the hips very well even though they are the right size. They go up your giant butt and it's just uncomfortable. Now I know thongs and g-strings are always going to be up your butt no matter what size you are but I'm just talking about like a brief cut panty or whatever the ones that are normal panties but have like a lace part over the hip, you know what I mean.

12. I want to be able to look in the mirror and not see a double chin. I want to be able to see myself in photos without noticing rolls and double chin in every single one unless I take the photo in a "Facebook" pose.

I think that's it for now. Please don't take anything in this post as me being "insecure". I'm not insecure, I don't feel bad about a lot of these things or sit around dwelling on them, but I do want to change myself and be able to enjoy these things. I'm not being hard on myself here, I've just always been aware of things to do with being a large person. I can't tell you how much I hate when you say something to a friend like how you wish you could have ankles again and they say "oh don't be insecure, you don't have cankles!" I just want to change it, and a big part of motivating to go through with change is by acknowledging that you are big, the things you don't like about it and going for the change to be able to love yourself.

I may edit this if I think of more another time.


  1. You will be able to do all those things, and more!

    1. Thanks for this! I think all of us just forget all we can really accomplish sometimes.

  2. I think this shows your self-awareness, not insecurity. And isn't this a form or part of goal setting? I see this as a positive post - and I know you will accomplish all of it!

    1. I agree! But sometimes when you talk about these things to people they assume you're being insecure. It's like no, I don't feel insecure at all. I know I'm big, and being able to recognize and admit that is a huge step. Just like in AA or any rehab process; recognizing and admitting is one of the first steps to recovery! After all, losing weight is sort of a rehab isn't it? Rehabilitating our bodies back to a healthy state and ridding of our food 'addictions'.